Kettlebells & Shotgun Shells

It’s times like this, at 3:40 AM when I wish there was someone I could talk to. Attempting to hold it together when the rug has effectively been pulled out is incredibly hard to do.

Long story short (and no worries. I will post the entire, horrible thing later), I booked a guy that was charged with kidnapping and raping who knows how many women since last September. For those that know, you can see where this might turn into an issue. I got through it, reasonably (really, actually) well. Since then, I’ve kind of been waiting for the bottom to drop out and it hasn’t come. I thought I was free and clear for once, I was strong enough.

Not true. I got on Facebook and ran across a vague post about how could life be so horrible, etc. Clicked to read comments and it was talking about this guy. How she and others had worked with him, how sweet and nice he was and how they couldn’t believe he did it, how it made them sick (thankfully no one went as far to insinuate that he hadn’t done it. I might have gone off). Cue other shoe dropping, and here I am. Maybe a good workout will push it away enough til I have time to deal with it.

Let me start by stating that this week has been all over the damn place.

It started well enough, minus being sick. Slow at work. I did speak to my Lt about wanting to move to the floor. There’s a shortage of females (when isn’t there?) and few applying. Normally it wouldn’t be til after my 6 month evaluation, but I figured it was worth a shot at least. As it stands, I’m on the list and should hear if they open an announcement in the next few weeks. I’ll have to put in an application and go through the test, go through orals, background, poly, interview, then medical, psych and agility. And then, if I pass all that, I’m hired to the floor as a correctional deputy trainee until I go through the correctional academy. Pretty exciting, given that something opens up, so at the moment I’m trying to patiently wait but keep my resume and background up to date and current.

On Tuesday, I went on a date. Short back story, I met him while visiting my dispatch friend. He’s a fireman, and seemed nice enough. Older, sweet but not too much, got my humor and seemed to understand my job and crazy schedule. We texted back and forth for a few days, he told me he wanted to take me out for dinner and drinks so we set a date. We met up and went to sushi and he told me it wasn’t a date. Which, okay, I can kind of get that. I’m not looking for a boyfriend necessarily, but I don’t know what will happen and I’m not going to throw away something potentially good because it doesn’t fit in what I think should be my timeline. That was strike one. We continue to talk, and he makes me laugh. Joke about my innate cop tendencies and the fact that I can’t drop them even when I’m having fun. He gets me to try sake (I’m good not going for another round), ordered me a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale while I was in the bathroom (smart boy, he paid attention) and then denies that he ever said he wanted to take me out, or that saying that would make it a date. Yeah. Well. We talk about work and things went well. And he kissed me and it was pretty good. And then we went back to his house and started talking and it came out that separated a while means 3 months. Which is fine but obviously he wasn’t exactly over that which is complicated. We talked about interests and I mentioned that I loved working out and that I used to do crossfit. His response was, “really? How did you look when you did that? I bet you were super buff.” That threw me, but I told him that actually, I was very overweight when I was doing it and it helped me to lose a lot of weight, and I looked like I do now and I only started doing something else a few months ago. I’m happy to say that shocked him quite nicely. There were a few other things said and it was kind of apparent that he wanted a fuck buddy. By kind of apparent I mean there was conflicting signals. I guess the 5” stilettos didn’t go entirely to waste although I did tweak an ankle.

Point taken, this one didn’t work. Maybe there’s someone else out there, maybe not. I’m not going to stress it and instead just focus on my career and what I can do to make sure that I get where I want to be. That’s what is important to me and what I’m choosing to direct my focus on for the time being. I’ve poured so much into this dream, my dream, to do something to screw it up now. When the right guy comes along, I’ll deal with it then, when it’s time. But I won’t spend time thinking and over thinking this.

I had my first ride along since 2008. It wasn’t with the Sheriff’s Office (SO) but rather the local PD. Which is fine because they’re about the only PD around that’s consistently on top of their game (this is the same PD that botched my rape investigation. Well, actually the entire thing from start to finish. Needless to say, they’ve cleaned house and replaced with pretty damn amazing officers for the most part. But I digress…) and apparently I have to jump through hoops to go with the SO.

As I work at the jail and a good majority of the officers know me, I got to stick around for the entire 20:00-06:00 shift, report writing and all (not the most intriguing part, but it’s a fact of life as a patrol officer). I got to see quite a bit, mostly because the officer I rode with is a proactive rookie. I was slightly unsure since I knew his father (the Lt that helped to cover up my botched investigation instead of doing his job) but only knew the officer through my work capacity, which wasn’t much. I was nicely surprised that he has all the makings of an excellent officer, if he allows himself to continue to develop his career the way he is now. It was kind of busy-slow, in the sense that we were away from the station almost all shift but not on anything major. Which, may be boring to people looking for action, but it was a good reality check. Not every night will be DUI’s and investigation and shootings or what have you. Most nights probably won’t, so it was good to see that aspect and still know that I want to do this.

One thing that really stuck with me was that on a call, we encountered this young girl sitting on the sidewalk on the bad side of town by herself. After several offers to drive her home, he gave her his card and told her to call if she needed anything. Sure enough, her sister left her stranded and she needed a ride, which the officer promptly went and picked her up to take her home. It’s things like that that go from defining someone as a ‘good’ officer to a ‘great’ officer. It’s not just crime that should be the concern, but public safety just as much. People will always remember when you’re an ass for whatever reason, but I know that they tend to remember true kindness just as well.

Another was that he didn’t treat me like a little girl who couldn’t do anything for herself. He went over all the worst case scenarios and how to act, what not to do, but then throughout the ride he would randomly ask, ‘did you notice what was strange there?’, ‘why would I have probable cause to pull a stop on this car?’, ‘what’s wrong with this situation?’, etc. I actually got the majority, and we discussed different scenarios that could come about as a result of each stop, why he walks backwards back to the patrol vehicle, why he did one thing in one situation but another in a different situation. At one point during the night we were called out to a possible DUI, which went strange fast. He had me stay in the car and I noticed that as soon as he’d exited, his gun was drawn and ready. I’ve never been more glad that there were other patrols there because I honestly didn’t want to be the one to make the call for an officer down. Turned out it was just an upset driver (which was even more upset when she discovered his gun pointed at her for those few seconds) who was unfamiliar with the steering and suspension on her boyfriend’s truck.

It was good to experience someone with a policing style that I admire and hope to adopt when I get to patrol. We discussed the differences between women and men and that while he has to prove that he’s a good officer on his own merit, apart from his father’s legacy, I’ll likely have similar difficulties because some people are still stuck in the belief that gender makes a difference in how well someone can do this job. He also told me that my first fight will be a defining moment – no one really knows how they’ll react to someone coming at them until that moment happens. I can prepare all I like but the truth is that while it will help my muscle memory so that I won’t have to stop and think, it won’t make a difference as to whether I freeze or react at the sign of conflict. I thought this ride along would just kind of keep me interested (not that I’m not) and focused (again… Not that I’m not) but all it did was make me want to go to the academy and go out on patrol right now. That part sucks, but it’ll happen soon…ish.

In the name of all things New Year’s Resolution, I figured that many have made resolutions involving health and fitness goals. Seeing as how I’m pretty amazing at this whole sticking to a plan and becoming healthy (not to mention losing 80 something lbs in the process), I figured I’d share some secrets.

Not that they’re secrets. At least, I don’t think so.

First: don’t compare yourself to anyone but you. Some program promises losses of 2 lbs a week? Don’t buy into it. Your body is like no one else’s. Your body has its own code and some things will work while others won’t. Trust me on this. I tried Weight Watchers, SlimFast, Atkinson, South Beach, Jorge Cruz’s diet thing, personal trainers, the traditional standard American weight loss diet, the FAST diet… You name it, I’ve heard of it and have probably done it. And calorie controlled paleo works well for me, but I still have to work my ass off on top of that and it’s not like my metabolism is slow (I generally average a rate between 3000-4000 calories burned per day)(also, ‘personal trainers’ does not include the current one. He’s a Godsend and has done nothing but contribute to advancing the awesomeness).

Also, guilt? Blame? Shame? Get rid of it. Easier said than done, right? I know. I used to cheat then feel horrible and punish myself for not being strong enough. Now? I stay with my meal plan, but if I want something, I have it. I’m not scarfing down whole bars of Ritter Sport (another thing that Germany has ruined for me- chocolate), but I have a couple squares here and there. I don’t feel bad if I end up making not ideal food choices because my options are limited sometimes, or because I really like corn dogs, beer, and tacos (guilty! But not together) but I limit them because as much as I enjoy my treats, I hated being 260+ lbs. Of course, when certain times of the month hit, all bets are off and I’m thankful for the fact that I work my butt off in those cases but as a rule, I generally stick to my plan more often than not by far. What makes it easy is that I know that outside of a few tweaks here and there, this is how I plan to eat for the rest of my life. And? The food is delicious. There’s no wagon to fall off of because this is just how it is. Besides, I know I always feel better when I have real food for fuel and not processed shit, which makes it pretty easy.

Take it easy. As someone that needs to take that advice as well, my trainer always reminds me that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Guess what? You’re not going to be the next top model tomorrow or next week, and you won’t lose 50 lbs in a month (unless you’re on meth, but we’re not discussing that). I still have a midsection that needs a lot of work, but my body is slowly getting there. It’s taken me 19 months to get here and I’m still working on it. Don’t throw progress away because you hit a roadblock. Keep pushing through and you’ll come out the other side stronger and more proud than if it had been easy. There have been many times I didn’t want to stick with my meal plan, but I did anyway. I’ve also gotten into funks where I didn’t want to work out but do you know what I did? I worked out. The times you feel like stopping and giving up are the times you should stick with it most. The end is so worth it.

Happy New Year. It’s going to take me a good while to consciously remember to write ‘2013’, but in the meantime, I’ve thought of some resolutions. I’ve never really done resolutions so we’ll see how this goes.

1. Learn a language (I’m going with Deutsch)
2. Become more mindful
3. Meditate more often
4. Continue to become more fit
5. Rush less. Relax and stop pushing.
6. Work towards becoming a correctional deputy
7. Develop a better backbone and command presence.
8. Go on more ride alongs. Decide if patrol is something I really want to work towards.
9. Less excuses. Spend more time with the people I care about.
10. Get out there. Meet new people. Take a few (calculated) risks.

I think that’s good for now. I hope to look at this a year from now and have made some progress on all of these.