Kettlebells & Shotgun Shells

I’m sure some people have noticed some changes, especially with my twitter. If you follow, great. If not, no worries. I’ll cover this the same either way.

I’ve started dating someone. I’ve referred to him as A and Iron Man, and that’s probably the status quo for that.

How did we meet? Well, I’m sure some people remember my rules of not dating anyone in uniform and especially not anyone I work with. This is a great example of why you should never say never – A and I work together. And he wears a uniform. We keep it professional though and neither of us gives any indication of any outside of work relationship ever. It doesn’t break policy (yet, another story for another day) so we’re good as far as command is concerned.

This guy… He’s more than amazing. He’s kind, respectful, gentlemanly, sweet and supportive. He cares about me and loves me. He’s into working out, not necessarily Crossfit. But we bond over that and nutrition. We can talk shop and understand what’s going on without having to explain. I try to make him not feel too bad for wanting to beat the tar (possibly more) out of a pain in the ass inmate. I can talk to him about anything without worrying how he’ll think of me after or if he’ll run away scared. He eases my fears and insecurities, and makes me feel beautiful, special and loved.

It’s more serious than I would have expected at this stage, but we’re having fun, enjoying our time and taking it slow. Hopefully, just maybe, this will be the story we’ll end up telling for the rest of our lives.

I ran into one of our city’s finest escorting one of the fine citizens to the back of a squad car for a free trip to an all inclusive, expenses paid trip to the county’s oldest bed and breakfast as I was leaving the grocery store. It was good to see him well, as a few weeks ago they had a severe case of some very bad luck. A couple ended up pretty beat up by some of our not-so-fine patrons. Working in the office, we get to talk to a lot of the officers and get to know them. Being as such, it’s hard not to start caring so when they get in alternations it’s difficult not to worry. It also happened around the same time as the Christopher Dorner ordeal, so it hit a little harder. Either way, it was a wake up call. Sometimes, most times, it is us against the wolves. Some people see that and respect law enforcement. Others make asinine comments on national news stating that people like Dorner weren’t ‘hunting people, just cops’. In case you didn’t realize, we all have hearts and brains and family like you. We’re not Robocop, we’re human people who love and care. There’s a quote from ‘End of Watch’ that captures this clearly:

I am the police, and I’m here to arrest you. You’ve broken the law. I did not write the law. I may disagree with the law but I will enforce it. No matter how you plead, cajole, beg or attempt to stir my sympathy, nothing you do will stop me from placing you in a steel cage with gray bars. If you run away, I will chase you. If you fight me, I will fight back. If you shoot at me, I will shoot back. By law I am unable to walk away. I am a consequence. I am the unpaid bill. I am fate with a badge and a gun. Behind my badge is a heart like yours. I bleed, I think, I love, and yes I can be killed. And although I am but one man, I have thousands of brothers and sisters who are the same as me. They will lay down their lives for me and I them. We stand watch together. The thin blue line, protecting the prey from the predators, the good from the bad. We are the police.

It doesn’t get any more cut and dried than that. Hug a law enforcement officer, thank them, or just pray for their safety. Doesn’t matter if you’ve had bad experiences, one bad apple doesn’t ruin the whole bunch. All of you out there in law enforcement, be safe. Watch your six and end your shift the same way you started it.

They’re not my secrets, really. I suppose they are, but most don’t have to do with me.  They’ve affected me at some point, but they’re not entirely mine.  Maybe that’s what makes them so much more painful? The fact that by sharing them, I sound petty.  Sometimes, though, the frustration, the feeling of carrying it around makes me just want to go off.  It wouldn’t even matter that the people that need to hear it wouldn’t believe me, all that would matter is that it would be out there.

Like that ‘son’ of yours you love so much, the one that was best friends with your daughter? Told his wife that he wished she was your daughter and he would have married your daughter and had thought of asking her except he didn’t think he had a snowball’s chance in hell.  Told her he was in love with another girl he could never have, that was marrying someone else and that’s now pregnant with their kid.  Wonder how screwed up that’s making him.

Or the people that I keep my mouth shut around because I love them and don’t want to hurt them.  But God, it’s so hard sometimes.

There’s the one that laughed when I said I was going to move back and apply to LAPD.  I did. I got halfway through the process and found another position I’d be able to start with faster and took that instead.  I gave it a damn good try though, and I’ll be damned if I don’t do the same for this department.  Maybe I’ll have the chance to talk about how I made SWAT or the negotiations team someday.

Or how about all the apologies I spilled out, admitting my fault in my divorce, and nothing back.  Even now, when I know that my weight issue wasn’t entirely in my control, it makes his comments about my weight and his intolerance for it and inability to see it as anything other than ‘letting myself go’ hurt that much more. I don’t do well with things I can’t control, and finding out that my weight gain and difficulty in losing isn’t exactly my fault or anything I have control over (exercise, diet, lifestyle, etc) makes it hard to swallow.  And then to think about how he made those comments about something I had no control over, used it as an excuse to leave (and I know it was an excuse and not the true reason but damn if it doesn’t hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. Well, almost.). All I want to do is get to where I know I’m going to, where I’m visibly in shape, muscular and strong, and then run into him.  Or hell, have him show up to a crossfit event and bump into him.  It’s not like the county is a large place, it’ll happen sooner or later.  I’m praying the reason it hasn’t yet is because when it will…well, it’ll be nothing short of amazing.  You can’t out diet or out exercise a shitty personality and treatment of others.  Sooner or later, karma always, always catches up.  Karma, God, kismet, fate, whatever you want to call it…you can’t go around being a shitty person and get away with it for long.  However, I’ll just be smaller and stronger and healthier and still awesome…with that dash of crazy (which really is just normal crazy, for the most part).

Maybe my biggest issue with keeping these secrets is that I so badly want to do things these people specifically said I’d never do for whatever reason, just because I can.  Just to show that I could.  That I will be a good law enforcement officer.  That I will be fit and healthy and amazing.  That I’m capable of finding someone to love me for who I really am and what I’ve done and let my walls come down.  Maybe, one day, even if it’s not today, or tomorrow, or someday soon.  But I will try my hardest to make it happen.

My 26th birthday was Saturday. Despite having a great time, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the past few years. Last year, I’d just met trainer and I really had no idea about the world I was about to be opened to, let alone how important he would be to me in so many ways. The next day, my birthday, I was in LA testing for the LA Sheriff’s Department and getting ready to do my background interview for the LAPD. I spent my birthday introducing a friend to the wonders of gelato and had an amazing cup of Starbucks coffee from their Clover brewing system.

Five years ago, I went out for my 21st birthday. It wasn’t a great day, although I had as much fun as I could considering. I was on high alert for the entire night because a little more than a month prior, I’d just experienced the single most traumatic, life changing event in my lifetime so far. I was on the precipice of a large downward spiral that I had no idea how far and deep it would take me. It was the start of a large scale overhaul of my life that kick started a chain reaction that has brought me to where I am today.

This year was entirely different. I spent time with friends and family and let loose for the first time in a long time. I’m happy with my career, my personal life and my emotional and physical health. My dreams have started being actualized and to watch all my hard work and passion come together in such harmony is simply amazing to say the least and it’s honestly unreal at times to know that this is my life.

It’s times like this, at 3:40 AM when I wish there was someone I could talk to. Attempting to hold it together when the rug has effectively been pulled out is incredibly hard to do.

Long story short (and no worries. I will post the entire, horrible thing later), I booked a guy that was charged with kidnapping and raping who knows how many women since last September. For those that know, you can see where this might turn into an issue. I got through it, reasonably (really, actually) well. Since then, I’ve kind of been waiting for the bottom to drop out and it hasn’t come. I thought I was free and clear for once, I was strong enough.

Not true. I got on Facebook and ran across a vague post about how could life be so horrible, etc. Clicked to read comments and it was talking about this guy. How she and others had worked with him, how sweet and nice he was and how they couldn’t believe he did it, how it made them sick (thankfully no one went as far to insinuate that he hadn’t done it. I might have gone off). Cue other shoe dropping, and here I am. Maybe a good workout will push it away enough til I have time to deal with it.