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Just A Brief Check-In

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , , , on 12/04/2012 by DangerousDame

Hello!

I’m not dead. Yet, lol. It’s been, I don’t even know how long since my last post.  Sorry about that, I suppose, but life happens and sometimes, you just have to go with it.

I have been going with it.

Things are going well. I’m working out (generally this is the point people tell me I’m insane or I’m doing too much) a lot- as in, on three separate days I’m burning upwards of 1800-2100+ calories.  Not total, total would be like 6000 calories.  Not to sound calloused or rude but I have 3 professionals that see me several times a week and none of them have said anything. I’m listening to my body and I take breaks when needed.  I’m eating healthier and better than I ever have and I’m done obsessing with the scale because while my body is changing, that number on the scale is not.  Not an issue, I’m getting to where I want to be. I just have a LOT of muscle.

Things are still going with law enforcement. After this next appointment, I’m going to have to change my plans a bit and not go back to LA til June. It pains me to have to do this, but I’m starting a new job on the 18th and the store opens May 10th, 2 days before I’d planned to go back to LA.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot be gone the weekend of the store opening and still expect to have a job or be considered to be kept on, so I had to rearrange.  It will give me more time to become physically ready, but I still hate putting things off because I don’t want to get into that habit.

I have a new niece :) She’s a 9 week old little munchkin kitten named Clowie (for the San Jose Sharks player…my sister is a HUGE fan) and she is just the sweetest, most adorable little thing ever. Except when she wants to get under the flywheel of the bike and try to get hurt. Then she gets in trouble (it breaks auntie’s heart to discipline her more than it hurts her).  My cat dislikes her (as she does every other cat) so that’s going well lol.

I think that about covers it.  Hope everyone is doing well!

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The First Step

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , , on 05/01/2012 by DangerousDame

My first therapy session was today.  It was good, don’t get me wrong. First time I’ve been back to therapy in at least 10 months. It was hard though, although not as hard as it could have been.  We talked about a lot, but not in a whole lot of depth just because there is so much to cover when it comes to me and even the surface issues I couldn’t begin to scratch in the 50 minute session.

I like this counselor a lot.  It’s usually really hard for me to find someone I connect with, but I felt like meeting a new friend today while we were talking.  I didn’t feel like it was just someone that was there to listen and help me reach my goals, although she’s there for that too.  It didn’t feel like a typical therapy session.  The fact that it just feels so easy, even after only talking 5 minutes, says a lot to me.

Either way, I’m exhausted. I’m really drained, even though we didn’t get in all that deep.  We talked about the rape, about running into the guy I thought was the one that raped me and what it triggered, about my divorce, about my PTSD diagnoses stemming from the rape, about my health, my support, my family, and just everything that’s important and a factor.  I still feel emotional about it, and like it’s just mentally and emotionally drained me.  It has.  It’s good though, because I need to work through my issues.  I need to find something that will work and to get rid of this damn monkey on my back.  Although I feel like crying, I don’t feel like my world is falling apart around me.  I don’t feel helpless, which is good.  I think this is the first time I’ve actually felt like this despite the fact that I’m a bit overly emotional.  I will be OK, and I know that.  I think realizing that is a bigger step than I’d thought.  I’m broken, I’ve been shattered, I’m a mess and I’m trying to put the pieces back together, but this time, I don’t feel rushed.  I don’t feel like I’m in a panic to make it work.  It’s like I have all the time in the world because, honestly, I do.

I’ll get there, one step at a time.  I’m finally ready to be healthy and happy, not just physically but emotionally, mentally and spiritually and as long as I work on them, I will make it eventually.  This was just the first big step.

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Second Most Important Day of my Life

Posted in Crossfit, Law Enforcement, Life, Rape, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on 04/01/2012 by DangerousDame

Warning: Possible triggers (Rape/Sexual Assault)

‘The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.’ -Mark Twain

I recently rediscovered this quote.  I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason, whether we know that reason or not.  I don’t think that life just happens as a result of random events.  Of course, many things have tried to shake this theory, namely, my rape.  There are so many senseless acts of violence every year, this was just another one.  It almost destroyed me on several occasions.  I couldn’t figure out how or why this would happen to me.  The only reason it didn’t totally obliterate me is because it takes a lot more than that to break me.  I won’t lie though, if anything has ever come within millimeters of honestly, completely and totally destroying me, it was this.  There are so many times I almost didn’t make it.  There were days I struggled to get through and most times I scraped through by the skin of my teeth.  Other things, like my marriage, were not so fortunate.  This one event destroyed huge, enormous parts of my life.  I’ve lost almost everything.  There is so little that I didn’t, and those people are my family, either by blood or choice.  They’re the ones that realized this wasn’t a cake walk.  This was real life, and it was dirty, disgusting and I had to battle it mostly on my own.  They saw me even when I couldn’t see myself, let alone find me.  Outside of my immediate family, I can count these people on one hand if that tells you anything of what I’ve lost.

It’s hard to see what good can come of this, especially when the detective decided that I couldn’t have been raped, despite conflicting facts including documented physical injury.  My case never stood a chance of ever being tried, let alone my rapist ever seeing a day behind bars.  He’s still walking free.  I couldn’t even obtain a restraining order against him, despite video of him coming after me in a public place.  What kind of universe or higher power allows that to happen?  I’m not going to pretend I know, but I’m glad it did.  It took me a long time to get to this point, but if anyone was going to be raped that night, at least I know I could make it through without it destroying me completely.  My experience with law enforcement was shitty at best and I knew from prior experiences in my life that if there’s something that’s not right, the best thing you can do is change it.  I tried to by going up the chain of command, but that got me no where.  I realized that my situation really sucked, for lack of a better phrase, but that this likely wasn’t the only place it was happening.  I thought some more and came to what was the only logical solution for me.

I dropped all of my engineering classes and on a whim, signed up for criminal justice courses.  I wasn’t going to let this happen again if I had any say in it and I decided I did by going into law enforcement myself and not treating some other victim the same way I was mistreated.  I’ve always wanted to do something where I could help others but was too afraid of others opinions that I was selling myself short by going into something like firefighting and law enforcement.  If anything, the rape made me realize that what other people thought didn’t matter.  I wasn’t dropping out of college to do this.  I was getting my degree still (and in fact, I’d love to get my master’s or PhD some day, but right now my brain is just burnt out).  I’d have something to fall back on if this didn’t work, and could go into a field like law or something if needed.  During the one period in my life where I handled everything in the most illogical manner possible (which is so rare for me.  Logic and I are like best friends, most times), this was the one thing I was completely logical about, thankfully.  The minute I changed everything, it all fell in place so perfectly.  My logical, linear thinking was a perfect fit.  My courses kept me interested, even the ones I hated. I excelled at them (with the exception of when my marriage was completely over, as is obvious by my grades dropping across the board. I still graduated with over a 3.0) and felt like I’d made the right decision.  Even getting back into shape has been awesome.  I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and feel better than ever.  I won’t pretend that it’s going to be what I use to protect myself because let’s face it – I’m 5’8″.  Even if I’m strong, some 6’4″ guy could probably still kick my ass.  But it helps, for sure.  Working out with CrossFit has made me confident that I can handle the worst that any police or FBI academy can throw at me and take it in stride, probably with a smile.  It’s improved my mental fitness as well because those days I want to throw the towel in, I’ve got to convince myself that it’s not worth it to give it all up.  I am forever so thankful that I’ve found something like CrossFit – it’s just another piece I was missing that I didn’t know was til I found it.

I don’t remember the exact day, but that day in mid January 2008, two days before classes started,  was the day that I figured out why I was born.  I was born to help others during their darkest nights.  I was born this stubborn, this strong, for this very reason.  I was born to face adversity and exceed it, to not take ‘no’ for an answer.  I was born to be the one running into the fight, one of the first to respond when anyone else would run from it.  I was born to walk that thin blue line, to maintain order in a world full of chaos.  I’m not anything special or unique, there’s nothing that sets me apart or made me more prepared for this.  It’s just who I am, what I was born with, and how my life events brought me here.  I’m not a hero, I never will be.  At least, I’ll never see myself as being so.  I’m just someone with a burning desire to help people when they need it most.  Why not a firefighter? Why not a doctor, or a nurse, or something ‘safe’? Because ‘safe’ has never described me.  Risk and danger find me no matter what, so why pretend that I could get away from that?

Even better, aren’t I afraid of dying? Of the danger? Of course.  Any sensible person would be but I’ve lived through my personal hell.  Dying will happen when it’s meant to, whether it’s a bullet, a plane crash, a heart attack or when I’m old.  Why not live my life doing what I love and makes me happy instead of some soul-sucking job that leaves me feeling resentful?

This is what I was born for, no matter what path brought me to this point.

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Not Part of the Plan

Posted in Life with tags , on 13/12/2011 by DangerousDame

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I swore it wouldn’t this time, or any other time.  I’d decide. I’d have the power.  It was my life, I’d get to decide.  I’m so delusional…I never had the choice.

Do you look for me in others?  Do I come out in another’s voice?  Someone’s smile?  Does someone’s hint of sarcasm remind you of me?  Do you ever think of me, unable to stop? Do I ever just fill your head like you do mine?

It’s not intentional.  I’ll hear something that makes me think of you, and then you’re there.  You’re everywhere.  I go to a store and think of what you’d get.  Maybe you’d just laugh at me.  I’m certainly being silly, but I can’t stop it even though I’ve tried.  Sometimes I see similarities in others and I end up avoiding them for the potential hurt they may cause sometime.  Other times I’ll be going about my life and you’ll show up in a smile, a look, someone’s mannerisms or how they phrase something.  I’m powerless against you, and that scares the fuck out of me.  Admitting it scares me half to death as it is, and this isn’t even admitting it to you, as I doubt you’ll ever see it.  Even if you did, would you know it’s about you?  Do you know the power you hold over me?

I can’t help it, you’re on my mind almost all the time.  When did this start?  How did it happen?  How did you maneuver yourself past my defenses, past my walls?  When did you become so important to me? I never planned for this to happen.  This wasn’t part of the plan because I was supposed to be in control and now I’m so hopelessly out of control that I’m at risk of exposing myself.  I need my control back…do you think you could give me that, at least?

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Simple Life

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , on 11/12/2011 by DangerousDame

Despite all the tweets I write about my next husband needing to show up with a big, sparkly, wrist-breaking diamond engagement ring…that’s really not necessary and that’s not who I am.  Shocking, I know.

Honestly, I’ve spent the recent past thinking about what I need, what I want to make me happy. Health is a big one, which I’m working on.  For me, that covers all aspects of my health – my weight, fitness, how I eat, how I live, things like blood work and such and just my lifestyle in general.  Crossfit and Paleo have made me feel better than I have in years, and everything is matching up.  I’m losing weight, my blood work is amazing, everything is looking good even if I do have to wait for it to get to where I want.

Next would be my career.  I’m in the field I want to be, I’m working on becoming employed.  Ultimately, I just want to be comfortable.  I want to own my own house someday, when I decide where I want to live.  I would like to be able to buy my Audi as well at some point.  Traveling is a must but I almost always find some way to afford that.  I don’t need to shop at Saks or Neiman Marcus or wear Gucci, Prada and what have you.  I’m fine in my jeans and t-shirts. Sure, I plan on upgrading once I stop changing sizes every 3-4 weeks or so, but that’s a ways off.  I want to be able to have enough that I’m not living paycheck-to-paycheck, enough that I can do nice things for others as well as myself.  I don’t buy a whole lot more than what I need (outside of shoes…but you can never have too many shoes), but when I really want something I want to be able to buy it without having to put it on a credit card or something.  I want to know I can financially provide for myself and be completely independent in that way.  Not that I’m not going to allow someone to buy me things or pay if they want to, but I want to be able to do that for me.

My family….is what it is.  Friends are pretty much the same. I’m learning the ones that I’m almost sure will always be there and I know who I can trust and rely on. I’ve also found which ones have served their purpose.  On that note, I’m learning that I can be by myself and sometimes I need to.  There are times I need to just cut ties with Twitter, Facebook, whatever and just be me and that’s it.  I’m OK with that and I usually come back feeling better, even if it’s only a day or two.

As for love, I don’t know about that. I have a desire to be loved.  I have a lot of love, devotion, and adoration to give.  I haven’t found anyone worthy of it yet, to no fault of anyone else’s.  I’m getting out of a controlling, emotionally abusive marriage.  I’m looking forward to my freedom.  Right now, I’m not looking for anyone.  I’m not sure I’ll ever be looking for someone again.  I feel that my happiness isn’t determined by someone else.  Being complete in myself, knowing that I am all I need to be happy, to be complete is what I need to reach.  I want to be with someone that compliments me, not completes me.  If I find that in a person that understands me fully, that feels the way I do, then awesome.  If not, then I’m still complete as a person already and I have plenty of friends and people that care around me should I need it.  Physical needs I can find elsewhere but I don’t want to force someone into being with me or into being in a relationship for the sheer reason of being in one.

I think that pretty much covers it.  I’m still working on it, and it will take a bit of time to get there, but I will.  I can feel it and now that I have a direction I just have to figure out how to get from point A to point B and enact that.  It feels good to finally have something to work towards, a goal to reach.

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Hitting the Bottom

Posted in Life with tags , , , , , on 02/12/2011 by DangerousDame

So, it didn’t take me that long to hit my lowest point.  The endless feelings of anxiety should have been my first warning.  My body knew what was going on, my head too, I just couldn’t figure it out.

It took a song to break me down completely, to finish it off.  I feel numb and yet I hurt so much.  I feel like I’m on fire from the inside out.  I feel like I’ve been stabbed or maybe shot.  I feel fried and just so numb at the same time.  Empty, there’s definitely an overwhelming feeling of emptiness.  And loneliness, like I’m the only one here.  I’m not sure I mind that though.  I’ve never been one to break down in  front of an audience, this time is definitely not different.  I’m not sure that I’d turn someone away if they showed up though.  I just want to be held.  No words, no explanation, just someone that is there.

Funny, I still have an idea of who I would want.  You’d think it wouldn’t matter, right?  I suppose the fact that there’s a few people should make it better than just one.  Either way, I’m afraid that I really am alone, that this is it and it’s just me.  Not that I haven’t pulled myself up before and put it back together.  I can, I just don’t want to.  I’m tired of doing shit on my own.  There’s another thing…tired.  I feel like I’ve ran a marathon, I’m just spent.  Like I’ve literally pushed myself as far as I can, and went much further than that til…well, til I broke.

I’m tired of being everything to everyone.  Really.  I want someone to just be something for me for once.  Be my shoulder, be my sounding board, be my good but difficult advice.  Be my truth, my illusion, my best friend, my love, my dream, my laugh.  Maybe not the same person, but just something.  Or be something else.  I’m not that picky, but I’m tired of being all that to everyone and having nothing in return.  Shove it in my face, make me see it.  I only do blunt and straight-forward.  I’m not for the weak or timid, obviously.

Do NOT tell me it will be all right.  I don’t care if it will be, I already know that.  I hate that phrase, those words.  I don’t want consoling.  I don’t need consoling, I need someone that’s going to be strong for me for once.

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Machine

Posted in Life with tags , , on 01/12/2011 by DangerousDame

Since starting Crossfit, I’ve gotten in shape faster than I ever have before.  That combined with paleo has really helped me out a lot, I feel better, work better, get more in, and am constantly going up in weight and speed.

This blog isn’t about Crossfit or paleo though.  Parts, yes, but not as a whole.

I know I’ve been told countless times that in order to be completely healthy, you have to watch what goes in- food as well as information, influence, etc.  Being young and knowing it all I nodded and smiled and went along my way.  As a more mature adult though, I can see what they were getting at.

If anything, Crossfit has taught me that my body is a machine.  It can be a poorly performing, out of shape, unhealthy machine or it can be well oiled, finely tuned, and run like mint.  I notice that as soon as I eat something off the paleo track, I feel like shit.  I feel worn down, tired, sluggish.  Sometimes I feel drugged.  Others, I’ll end up with stomach pains and other gastrointestinal issues that are best not talked about.  Same with water- I know if I don’t get enough.  I’m thirsty, I’m tired, I get cranky.  My head aches.  I stick to the plan, I eat healthy, limit the additives, preservatives, and other shit they put in processed ‘food’ and I feel amazing without trying for the most part.

Same goes with my life.  I’ve had a lot of negative influences.  I’ve held on to thoughts, theories and actions that no longer served me well, if at all.  I’ve held on to people that I shouldn’t have for fear of letting them go and being alone, even though these people were worse for me than being alone.  I’ve held myself back for fear of falling and hitting the rocks at the bottom.  I hate liars and yet I’m the worst at lying to myself.  I’ve hurt myself by not admitting that I needed help until more damage had been done.  I’ve berated myself for being too weak to not just be able to brush it off.  I’ve been, quite literally, my own worst enemy.  If I treated others the way I treat myself, I’d have no friends at all.  No one else would put up with the shit I put up with from myself for a minute.  If I wouldn’t treat another person that way, why in the world would I treat myself this way?  There is no reasonable answer or explanation.  Truth is, I should treat myself just as well or better because when everyone is gone, when it’s just me, that’s what I’m going to have.  I’m finally starting to realize the potential everyone else sees and I’m realizing that I’m the one killing my potential- no one else is, because no one else needs to. I’m doing a damn fine job all on my own.

I need to realize that I can do things for my family, friends and people I care about but that I deserve to do things for myself too.  I don’t want to turn into my mom, who does everything for everyone else and nothing for herself and as a result is always unhappy and wishing things were different, that she had time to do things for herself.  I need to exercise the word, ‘No’ in my vocabulary and be OK with it if that’s what I need to do to have time for myself.  I don’t owe anyone but myself anything, yet another thing I need to realize.  If I’m there for you, it’s because I want to, not because I owe you or some shit like that.  I need to become as independent and comfortable in myself as I make everyone think I am.

I can only imagine that if I’m this way with others now, how much more so I will be once I’ve ‘fixed’ myself and am good to me as well.  Investing in myself is only going to benefit everyone else around me as well since I’m not the type to keep things to myself.  I share every aspect with people- my friendship, my caring, my love, my support, everything.  It’s not like I will be the only one that benefits from this, or even the one that benefits most.

I am a machine- my body, my mind, my spirit- all of it needs to be taken care of to run properly.  I need to do not just the necessary maintenance to keep it running, but the restorative work from the years of corrosive, self-depreciating thoughts and actions.  If I want others to respect and admire me, I have to respect and admire myself first.  If that means I have to take it all apart, piece by piece, so be it.  I’ll do what it takes and put it all back together, rebuild my life and myself into something better.

And to those that think I’m unstoppable now, just wait.  I’ll only be more so once I’m in my best shape.  You’ve been warned.

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Anxiety

Posted in Life with tags , , , on 30/11/2011 by DangerousDame

I’ve dealt with some form of anxiety for as long as I remember.  My first memories of it were when I was 4, and I remember thinking, ‘I must be dying’, all over some OCD compulsions of mine.  For years I just dealt with it as I could because I had no idea that it wasn’t natural or normal, just like I had no idea that the compulsions I felt weren’t normal.

Either I learned to adapt or it just became so commonplace for me that it wasn’t always a big deal, but I remember always having it in the back of my mind.  Of course, as things like this tend to get worse and mine did to the point that I would blank on tests and forget everything I’d studied and knew.  I was treated kind of sporadically for anxiety from my sophomore year in high school through my freshman year in college, when I kind of got things together and learned how to handle my stressors better.  I thought I’d finally gotten a handle on my anxiety, once and for all.

If only I were so lucky.  It’s back, better than ever, and I don’t know what’s causing it.  Any number of things could be the trigger, really.  I’m out of work and looking for a job, I’m trying to get my foot in the door with any type of law enforcement and finding that next to impossible, my divorce is still not completely agreed upon (although ex tells me it will be, soon. Guess we’ll see), I’m broke and unemployment is a pain in my side, and I’ve got what feels like a million and two things to figure out, and I feel like I’m losing my shit.  I just know that I can’t take this feeling like everything is going to collapse, the physical feeling in the pit of my stomach that just spreads throughout my body until I feel like I can’t breathe, can’t speak, can’t feel anything but this overwhelming, paralyzing fear of absolutely nothing.  That’s the worst part-there is nothing there that is causing this, no physical reason to fear or be anxious or anything.  I hate that I can’t just make it go away, and I feel like I’m going crazy.

 

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Finding Myself

Posted in Life with tags , , on 27/11/2011 by DangerousDame

A few days ago, I had something done that I’d considered for a long time, but was always too afraid to actually do.  Yes, me, the girl whose friend messaged her two days before coming to Germany and said ‘I’m going to be 3 hours from you, come spend the night and go skydiving with me!’ and actually went through with it, is afraid of something.  There’s a few reasons I feared this thing, one was the religion I was brought up in taught that it was beyond wrong, that it was false and a sin to do this.  The other was my personal fear of the unknown.

Last week though, I took the dive and went through it.  I had a tarot reading done and I could not have been happier with having taken this plunge.  I was skeptical at first, but it was like the reader took every secret thought, everything that was in my heart and soul, analyzed it and laid it out for me.  I’m so glad I did this, as it forced me to face things I’d been putting off.

The most important of all of this is that I need to take a good look at my life.  I need to peel back the layers, remove the cheap paint jobs that I’d slapped on to make everything seem OK and fine, bust down some walls and get to the core, the foundation of who I am- What makes me, well, me.  I need to explore that, every crevice, crack, corner, everything.  And I need to repair what I can and cut out what needs to be.  I need to be OK with myself, I need to know and love myself before I can even begin to bring someone else into my life.  I need to be complete in my own right because another person will never do that.  People leave, things happen and if I rely on another person for my happiness, for my completeness, then I’m setting myself up for another failure.  I need to find my ground, my ethics, morals, where my lines are and what I absolutely will not compromise.  I can’t keep going on like I am because one day I’ll wake up bitter, cold, broken hearted and completely alone.  I am not OK with that result, so things need to change and change now.

Once I get there – which could take a month, 6 months, a year or more – then I can start adding on to that.  But it needs to start and start now because I can already feel everything starting to crumble and it’s scaring me.  I don’t know how long I can keep this facade up and to be honest, this is the perfect time – the divorce is winding down to its final, quiet close, I’m embarking on the beginning of my career and a new life, and things are all just starting to point in that direction.  I think it’s high time I listened to myself because the longer I push it off, the more tired I get, the more irritated I am with others, the more fatigued I feel in trying to be there for other people.  I hate feeling that way because I love to help people.  I love to be a great friend and feeling like this is holding me back from doing just that.

I don’t know where this journey is going to take me, but I’m sure it will take me many places either physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.   I have no doubt that some of this will be very, very ugly.  In fact, most of it will be, of that I’m sure because otherwise this would be easy.  This will be painful and I’m not sure what I’ll discover or what will come out.  I don’t know what will be left once I hit the bottom, and I’m not sure what I will be when I come out of this other than I will be happy, and I will not be anyone but myself.  I hope at that point to know myself so thoroughly that there is nothing that is not me that will be able to last.  I feel like if I can make it through this, I will love myself.  I think I will be finally able to appreciate myself and that will shine through.  So all those that think I’m sexy now? Take note, because I’m sure that will change in some way.  Probably for the better.

 

I know one of the first things I plan on doing is reading this book: The Happiness Project. I’m not sure where it will get me, but I’m sure I can find some things in it that I can use.

I don’t know how often I’ll be around and I apologise in advance for this as I know I’ve promised many of you that I would be there for you.  I am, still, if you really need me.  I trust that you’ll know what that definition is when it comes to it, if I happen to be on a break from something.  I’m always around.  Most of you have multiple ways to reach me and even if you don’t, every notification gets sent to my email as well.  I will see it, I will contact you if you don’t contact me first.  Please keep in mind though that I might need that favor returned.  This is going to take me down some very dark paths and I might not be able to make it through to the other side without a little help.  In advance, I appreciate it and thank you all.

Here’s to a new beginning by starting with destroying what’s left of this end.

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Maybe It’s Only Complicated Because I Make It That Way.

Posted in Dating, Law Enforcement, Life, Love with tags , , , , , , on 25/11/2011 by DangerousDame

I know I visited this a few days ago, and I feel I should revisit it since I’ve had some new thoughts and time to think over how I really wanted it to come out.

The life I’ve chosen- to go into law enforcement- is not an easy one.  I don’t care what you say, or how you feel about law enforcement.  If you hate them, love them, couldn’t care less, not an issue.  I feel bad if you’ve had some sort of negative experience with law enforcement, whether of your own making or purely accidental, but please do not take it out on me and please do not project it on me.  I don’t take out my hatred of scummy attorneys, ignorant doctors, bad drivers and other professions on you, so please offer me the same respect.  No matter what you feel towards law enforcement, I think we can all agree it’s not an easy path.  I don’t feel like going into specifics, but law enforcement are always the people stepping up, putting their lives on the line for others – whether or not you respect or even like them – knowing they might not come back one day, but yet they’re still there when no one else is.

But whatever, that’s my choice. I know this going in, I’ve known it.  I’ve been asked many times to choose something else, to take another route, become a lawyer, anything but it was too late from the minute that I sat in that first class.  I knew that was what I wanted to do, that was the missing piece from my future, the career I’d been searching for and it all happened by chance because I decided to drop all my engineering, science and math courses and sign up for Administration of Justice courses.  I know I’ve never said this before, but few know why I chose this.  I went into criminal justice because of a terrible, horrible experience with an asshole detective that had already labeled me a lying whore after he spoke to a suspect.  My case had no chance because of this presumptive asshole and because of him, there’s a rapist out there, walking free without a mark on his record.  So yeah, if you want to hit me with hating cops, please do.  Because that? Was a direct slap in the face, to sit in front of the one person that could make or break that case, the one person that decided where it went and have him tell me he didn’t believe me, that he thought I was lying because the guy that raped me refused to date me and I just wanted to punish him.  If you’ve gone through that, I apologize.  But if not? Shut your damn mouth about my career choice and thank a cop because some day, you might need one.

That aside, I don’t expect someone to cater to me. I don’t expect someone to change their life for me or do anything for me.  If someone chooses to do that, that is on them.  I’m not going to pressure anyone because I know that my career ranks up there with whatever permanent relationship I find myself in.  Anything that’s just casual dating, or even serious dating, isn’t going to take precedence over my career.  Not that I don’t value people I’m with, but love’s not going to pay the bills.  Love isn’t the only thing that’s going to make me happy.  Being a good police officer or law enforcement officer is what makes me happy.  Knowing I made a difference for someone makes me happy and nothing, not love, kids, a husband, my family, cupcakes, music, crossfit, nothing that I love will ever replace that love, just as my love for that career will never replace the other things I love in life.  I feel like my life is made up of lots of things I love, and I need all of those for me to be really, truly happy.  I will never be the person where someone is my world, my life, my heart, or anything completely.  Just like I will never be fully dependent on another person.  It’s just not who I am, even though I’ve tried to be that. It scares me to be that for someone else too, for many reasons.

Will things possibly change later on? Maybe.  Maybe not.  I do reevaluate things when major changes happen, and see if what was working previously still does and if not, it’s time for things to be done differently.  I can’t guarantee how things will change and shift though.  I do know I want to find someone that will fulfill the needs I have and possibly open my eyes to ones I didn’t realize I had.  I want to eventually find someone I can settle down and just have a life with.  I also that as soon as I start feeling trapped though, I get all anxious and want out.  I’m not going to want someone that’s going to cling to me or want to be with me 24/7 when I’m available.  Sometimes I need alone time, time to myself.  Sometimes that lasts days or a week.  Sometimes it’s an hour but that’s just who I am and I need someone that can not only respect that but understand it as well.

This doesn’t even begin to cover everything I feel I need, or even want, but it’s a start.  I figure I’ll figure it out sometime but for now I’ve not only been given a clean break and a new start, but it’s timed just right with everything else.  I’m just starting out in my career.  I’m trying to sort my life out and I don’t have 100% of myself to give to someone. I can’t spend days and such on a relationship, making it work.  I want something I can fall into, someone to catch me but that will just click.  Does that mean it’ll never need work? No.  But starting out, it shouldn’t be something that has to be worked at.  I want someone that understands my wants and needs and meets them as well as they can. Maybe it’s not perfect, but it never is.  I want more than the physical, although the kissing, the making out, the sex, is definitely nice but I want it to compliment the rest of the relationship, not over power it or only be about that.  I want a friend to go with that lover, and I want them to be the same person.  I want someone there when I’ve had a bad day that understands I don’t want to talk, I just want to be held til it doesn’t hurt anymore.  Someone I can talk to intellectually and not have to explain or dumb it down because they don’t get it.  I want someone to challenge me, to tell me no.  Eventually, I want someone who’s going to love me unconditionally.  Someone that will be there even when I fuck shit up monumentally, as I’m prone to do.  Someone that compliments me like so few others do.

 

In fact, if I could just find Amber in male form, I might be set ;) Really though….there are so, so few people that get me inside and out, that understand and that is the main thing I want- someone that loves me, that cares and respects me but understands and doesn’t get mad, or takes it personally when I don’t want to be around people, or them. Oh, and amazing sex, along with thinking outside the box.

I only have the rest of my life to happen upon this, after all. And if I don’t….well, that’s what friends and hookers are for, right? ;)

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