I know I visited this a few days ago, and I feel I should revisit it since I’ve had some new thoughts and time to think over how I really wanted it to come out.
The life I’ve chosen- to go into law enforcement- is not an easy one. I don’t care what you say, or how you feel about law enforcement. If you hate them, love them, couldn’t care less, not an issue. I feel bad if you’ve had some sort of negative experience with law enforcement, whether of your own making or purely accidental, but please do not take it out on me and please do not project it on me. I don’t take out my hatred of scummy attorneys, ignorant doctors, bad drivers and other professions on you, so please offer me the same respect. No matter what you feel towards law enforcement, I think we can all agree it’s not an easy path. I don’t feel like going into specifics, but law enforcement are always the people stepping up, putting their lives on the line for others – whether or not you respect or even like them – knowing they might not come back one day, but yet they’re still there when no one else is.
But whatever, that’s my choice. I know this going in, I’ve known it. I’ve been asked many times to choose something else, to take another route, become a lawyer, anything but it was too late from the minute that I sat in that first class. I knew that was what I wanted to do, that was the missing piece from my future, the career I’d been searching for and it all happened by chance because I decided to drop all my engineering, science and math courses and sign up for Administration of Justice courses. I know I’ve never said this before, but few know why I chose this. I went into criminal justice because of a terrible, horrible experience with an asshole detective that had already labeled me a lying whore after he spoke to a suspect. My case had no chance because of this presumptive asshole and because of him, there’s a rapist out there, walking free without a mark on his record. So yeah, if you want to hit me with hating cops, please do. Because that? Was a direct slap in the face, to sit in front of the one person that could make or break that case, the one person that decided where it went and have him tell me he didn’t believe me, that he thought I was lying because the guy that raped me refused to date me and I just wanted to punish him. If you’ve gone through that, I apologize. But if not? Shut your damn mouth about my career choice and thank a cop because some day, you might need one.
That aside, I don’t expect someone to cater to me. I don’t expect someone to change their life for me or do anything for me. If someone chooses to do that, that is on them. I’m not going to pressure anyone because I know that my career ranks up there with whatever permanent relationship I find myself in. Anything that’s just casual dating, or even serious dating, isn’t going to take precedence over my career. Not that I don’t value people I’m with, but love’s not going to pay the bills. Love isn’t the only thing that’s going to make me happy. Being a good police officer or law enforcement officer is what makes me happy. Knowing I made a difference for someone makes me happy and nothing, not love, kids, a husband, my family, cupcakes, music, crossfit, nothing that I love will ever replace that love, just as my love for that career will never replace the other things I love in life. I feel like my life is made up of lots of things I love, and I need all of those for me to be really, truly happy. I will never be the person where someone is my world, my life, my heart, or anything completely. Just like I will never be fully dependent on another person. It’s just not who I am, even though I’ve tried to be that. It scares me to be that for someone else too, for many reasons.
Will things possibly change later on? Maybe. Maybe not. I do reevaluate things when major changes happen, and see if what was working previously still does and if not, it’s time for things to be done differently. I can’t guarantee how things will change and shift though. I do know I want to find someone that will fulfill the needs I have and possibly open my eyes to ones I didn’t realize I had. I want to eventually find someone I can settle down and just have a life with. I also that as soon as I start feeling trapped though, I get all anxious and want out. I’m not going to want someone that’s going to cling to me or want to be with me 24/7 when I’m available. Sometimes I need alone time, time to myself. Sometimes that lasts days or a week. Sometimes it’s an hour but that’s just who I am and I need someone that can not only respect that but understand it as well.
This doesn’t even begin to cover everything I feel I need, or even want, but it’s a start. I figure I’ll figure it out sometime but for now I’ve not only been given a clean break and a new start, but it’s timed just right with everything else. I’m just starting out in my career. I’m trying to sort my life out and I don’t have 100% of myself to give to someone. I can’t spend days and such on a relationship, making it work. I want something I can fall into, someone to catch me but that will just click. Does that mean it’ll never need work? No. But starting out, it shouldn’t be something that has to be worked at. I want someone that understands my wants and needs and meets them as well as they can. Maybe it’s not perfect, but it never is. I want more than the physical, although the kissing, the making out, the sex, is definitely nice but I want it to compliment the rest of the relationship, not over power it or only be about that. I want a friend to go with that lover, and I want them to be the same person. I want someone there when I’ve had a bad day that understands I don’t want to talk, I just want to be held til it doesn’t hurt anymore. Someone I can talk to intellectually and not have to explain or dumb it down because they don’t get it. I want someone to challenge me, to tell me no. Eventually, I want someone who’s going to love me unconditionally. Someone that will be there even when I fuck shit up monumentally, as I’m prone to do. Someone that compliments me like so few others do.
In fact, if I could just find Amber in male form, I might be set Really though….there are so, so few people that get me inside and out, that understand and that is the main thing I want- someone that loves me, that cares and respects me but understands and doesn’t get mad, or takes it personally when I don’t want to be around people, or them. Oh, and amazing sex, along with thinking outside the box.
I only have the rest of my life to happen upon this, after all. And if I don’t….well, that’s what friends and hookers are for, right?