I’ve had a couple counselling sessions dealing with my rape and I also completed a session of memory desensitization and reprocessing, which was something I’d never experienced. It was draining and enlightening and I don’t regret it one bit. It wasn’t pleasant but that memory we were dealing with wasn’t pleasant at all.
At the end of the session my counselor had mentioned that there was still a tender spot and asked me about it. I knew it was there but didn’t know what it was or why I was unable to access it. We left it and she knows how I think and continue to process for days, weeks, even months after so I left with the strict instructions to check in with her just to make sure I was OK and not staying stuck on the memory.
It wasn’t til I talked to someone from Twitter about it and he said something about wanting to castrate people like that that it finally clicked. I wanted revenge and oh how I wanted it bad. It scared the fuck out of me though, how badly I wanted this horrible, terrible thing. I know I wouldn’t seek him out to exact revenge, but I know that if someone was telling me I could do whatever I needed to get revenge, I wouldn’t trust myself at all to carry out this action. I know that would bring out something horrible and terrible and not me. That is a door that will remain closed and locked tight for the rest of my existence because what I’m capable of frightens me.
I discussed this with my counselor today, and she enlightened me to a little analogy that she heard from her mentor: ‘Revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’
This is what I needed to hear so much. So, so very much. She couldn’t have known that I was going to come to that conclusion and yet she offered the best words I could have heard at that moment. I’ve been drinking this poison daily for the last 4 years and some months. That’s a long time – not as long as say 20 years – but it’s still a long time to hold onto something that is so damaging as this, consuming it each and every day without consciously realizing it. Of course, admitting it is the first few steps, but it still doesn’t mean much without action, to which I’m getting to soon.
I’m not sure what this means. I’m not sure how much damage I’ve inflicted. I suppose that will come later. Right now, I’ll just focus on not continuing to create more.