I’m sure many of you will find that this is a much different post than usual.
That’s fine, because it is.
I’m not sure how obvious it is because I don’t see how others perceive me, but I know it’s obvious to me that I’ve changed. I hit a very, very low point about a month ago where I almost lost it. I may have thought I’d hit lows before, but that was literally the lowest I’d ever been. Even dealing with PTSD, a failed marriage, tons of schoolwork and working full time, I never hit that low. It was a serious wake up call that I desperately needed. I’m so glad that I had people around me to help me and be there for me, because I could feel myself being sucked back in to that bad place.
A month later and I’ve bounced back and then some. I still have my demons to work through and fight, but I am really, really truly happy. Life isn’t perfect. Things still go wrong, I still have my ex to deal with (for now), I still have the divorce hanging over my head. I’m without a job again and no real prospects at this moment. But despite all that, my life is wonderful. I’m happy even including all of the above because I know it won’t last forever. I will eventually get into my career field of choice. I’ll eventually move out of this God-forsaken black hole of a town. It’s all relative and I choose to be happy instead of miserable. I know that it’s not always that easy, but in this case it is and I’ll take it and run with it for as long as I can. I finally feel complete, whole, like I know me really and truly. I’ve been on a hell of a ride for the past 4 years and it has literally taken me just that – 4 long, trying, grueling years – to get to this place. I don’t hate anyone. I don’t have any grudges, regrets or anything holding me back. I don’t blame anyone because I’m where I need to be. I hope my ex is happy. I hope the man that raped me finds peace. But I also know that karma is a much bigger bitch than I ever could hope to be, and she comes back with a vengeance and interest due. Maybe if I’m lucky enough, I’ll be around to see it happen but either way, it’s not my issue to worry about. I don’t need the negativity of worrying about others to bring me down as well.
What makes this even better is that I know I’ve gotten here on my own. My then husband, who was supposed to be the love of my life and my best friend, abandoned me when I needed him most. Some of my closest friends left me too. So all of this is my work, my success, and it continues to be. I had to learn the hard way that I’m the only person who will never leave me and that I’m strong enough to tear myself apart and rebuild until it’s right. Now that I’ve learned to accept and love myself, it’s much easier to accept and love others as well and receive love too without questioning it. It is so much easier to give of myself to help others as well, without feeling drained. Instead, it renews me and makes me feel needed and useful and re-energized.
And that is the best feeling I’ve had in a long, long time.
P.S. I know a lot of you started following when I was down and bitchy and sarcastic and what not. I’m still sarcastic and bitchy at times, but it’s hard to be as much as I was when I’m feeling so happy and so much better than I have in years. I hope you all understand, and if not, thank you for following as long as you did.