I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Dangerous, I know.
I know that someone’s mentioned that my sarcasm isn’t always appreciated. So that got me thinking and I’ve realized I do use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Not always, but when I’m not comfortable with a situation, person, or whatever have you, my sarcasm comes out in full force. I’ve been trying to work on that. It’s hard, but I have made some progress and I hope it’s appreciated.
In the same area, I was talking to someone about how at times, and certain circumstances, I can be confrontational but it’s not like I was when I was younger, such as high school. I was so terrible in high school. Not so much my freshman and sophomore years, but starting my junior year, it kind of exploded outside of confrontational and went to the next level. I’d get in fights all the time over stupid shit. I’m honestly surprised I never got suspended and that my parents weren’t told about it. Not sure how that one happened, but I’m lucky it did. Needless to say, it’s been years since I’ve been in a fight (I still know how to though). Said friend brought up how it keeps people at bay, which is something I’d never thought about or considered. Granted, after it got around that I would go at it (and generally win as a rule), people backed off. Of course, by that time, I’d broken a line backer’s nose, but who’s counting? Either way, fighting was (obviously) a defense mechanism as well. I’m trying hard to not be so defensive and confrontational. It’s just really hard for me to have any kind of weakness whether perceived, real or otherwise. I don’t do well with it. I know that no one else expects me to be bulletproof and strong all the time, but that doesn’t stop my subconscious from thinking I should. It’s hard, but I’m trying.
It might take a while, but I’m trying. Maybe one day I’ll actually let someone in, completely.