Revenge

19 Apr

I’ve had a couple counselling sessions dealing with my rape and I also completed a session of memory desensitization and reprocessing, which was something I’d never experienced.  It was draining and enlightening and I don’t regret it one bit.  It wasn’t pleasant but that memory we were dealing with wasn’t pleasant at all.

At the end of the session my counselor had mentioned that there was still a tender spot and asked me about it. I knew it was there but didn’t know what it was or why I was unable to access it.  We left it and she knows how I think and continue to process for days, weeks, even months after so I left with the strict instructions to check in with her just to make sure I was OK and not staying stuck on the memory.

It wasn’t til I talked to someone from Twitter about it and he said something about wanting to castrate people like that that it finally clicked.  I wanted revenge and oh how I wanted it bad.  It scared the fuck out of me though, how badly I wanted this horrible, terrible thing.  I know I wouldn’t seek him out to exact revenge, but I know that if someone was telling me I could do whatever I needed to get revenge, I wouldn’t trust myself at all to carry out this action.  I know that would bring out something horrible and terrible and not me.  That is a door that will remain closed and locked tight for the rest of my existence because what I’m capable of frightens me.

I discussed this with my counselor today, and she enlightened me to a little analogy that she heard from her mentor: ‘Revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’

This is what I needed to hear so much. So, so very much.  She couldn’t have known that I was going to come to that conclusion and yet she offered the best words I could have heard at that moment.  I’ve been drinking this poison daily for the last 4 years and some months.  That’s a long time – not as long as say 20 years – but it’s still a long time to hold onto something that is so damaging as this, consuming it each and every day without consciously realizing it.  Of course, admitting it is the first few steps, but it still doesn’t mean much without action, to which I’m getting to soon.

I’m not sure what this means. I’m not sure how much damage I’ve inflicted. I suppose that will come later.  Right now, I’ll just focus on not continuing to create more.

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Just A Brief Check-In

12 Apr

Hello!

I’m not dead. Yet, lol. It’s been, I don’t even know how long since my last post.  Sorry about that, I suppose, but life happens and sometimes, you just have to go with it.

I have been going with it.

Things are going well. I’m working out (generally this is the point people tell me I’m insane or I’m doing too much) a lot- as in, on three separate days I’m burning upwards of 1800-2100+ calories.  Not total, total would be like 6000 calories.  Not to sound calloused or rude but I have 3 professionals that see me several times a week and none of them have said anything. I’m listening to my body and I take breaks when needed.  I’m eating healthier and better than I ever have and I’m done obsessing with the scale because while my body is changing, that number on the scale is not.  Not an issue, I’m getting to where I want to be. I just have a LOT of muscle.

Things are still going with law enforcement. After this next appointment, I’m going to have to change my plans a bit and not go back to LA til June. It pains me to have to do this, but I’m starting a new job on the 18th and the store opens May 10th, 2 days before I’d planned to go back to LA.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I cannot be gone the weekend of the store opening and still expect to have a job or be considered to be kept on, so I had to rearrange.  It will give me more time to become physically ready, but I still hate putting things off because I don’t want to get into that habit.

I have a new niece :) She’s a 9 week old little munchkin kitten named Clowie (for the San Jose Sharks player…my sister is a HUGE fan) and she is just the sweetest, most adorable little thing ever. Except when she wants to get under the flywheel of the bike and try to get hurt. Then she gets in trouble (it breaks auntie’s heart to discipline her more than it hurts her).  My cat dislikes her (as she does every other cat) so that’s going well lol.

I think that about covers it.  Hope everyone is doing well!

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Happy Love Day

14 Feb

I almost forgot….in the psychotic mess that today turned out to be, it’s Valentine’s day.

Happy Valentine’s Day, to those of you who celebrate it.  I do not, because I feel it’s a fake holiday, mostly because it is.

Coincidentally, I found out today that my nephew’s heart happens to stop beating sometimes.  It’s a treatable issue, but he’ll have to have a pacemaker for the rest of his life.  He’s 12. He’ll never be able to play contact sports.  He’ll not be able to ride the really fun roller coasters.  There’s a lot that he’ll not be able to do.

It’s hard- on him, his mom, and on me.  I’ve known this kid since he was in my nonbiological sister’s womb.  I was there when he was in the hospital at two years old, in ICU because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  They thought he was going to die because almost every major organ had started failing and then he magically got better and seemed to have recovered within a week to complete health.  Of course,  two weeks later he would be life flighted to the University hospital two hours away, and then to San Francisco where they determined he had stage 2 e. Coli (which, at his age, had a 97% mortality rate).  For a second time, we thought he would die.  Miraculously, he didn’t. He lived. He seemed to have fully recovered- his kidney function has always been normal, which is something the doctors were afraid wouldn’t be so.

So, that’s how I spent my Valentine’s day – talking to my nonbiological sister about how she would handle it and hoping he’ll understand and not be bitter about things he’ll never have the choice to experience, and then trying to block it out to function through volunteering at the high school because I couldn’t break down. And now it’s 10:33 PM.  I’m going to bed to finally cry and just let go of it all.  Tomorrow I’ll call nb sister to see how it went.  She’s still dealing with the death of her best friend in May, who had a massive heart attack.  I can’t even begin to imagine what this is doing to her.

But tonight, I deal with me so that tomorrow I can be strong for her.

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Just Another Manic…Fill-In-The-Blank-day.

14 Feb

For those of you that follow me on Twitter, I’ve deactivated it.  I’m not sure if I’ll bring it back at this moment, but it’s always a possibility.

Honestly, my deactivation decision had nothing to do with anyone, contrary to some rumours and beliefs.  I literally spent maybe 5 minutes weighing what benefit it was really bringing me at this point versus the cons and ultimately decided to deactivate.

Truth is, I have so much going on in my life that maybe only one or two of you really, truly realize.  It’s all started coming to a head and I’ve hit the point where I literally cannot think straight.  I’m so stressed that I’ve developed what I call the ‘overworked purge’- where your brain can’t process and starts shoving things out of memory at random.  Not good, considering we have a memory for a reason.  I think it’s to remember things, but I can’t remember anymore at this point.  I know it’s important though ;)

I have a divorce that was supposed to be final on the 8th of this month, but wasn’t for technical reasons.  I’m still waiting on that.  The divorce is one thing, but there are so many other things that are waiting on that final judgement.  That one act – the judge signing off on the agreement – triggers so many other things.  I have to get a new social security card and new driver’s license with my changed name.  I have to have that decree, all for a position I’ve applied for in Southern California.  That’s not including everything else I have to gather for my background interview for this position later this month, which in itself is probably a full time job.

Oh, yes, jobs. I’m still looking for one of those, to help pay the bills til I get hired on for this position (which I will. I refuse to let myself think otherwise).  That’s not going oh-so-well, either.  I’m lucky that I’m eligible for unemployment, or I would really be hurting.  I’m still waiting to hear back from the DA’s office for my internship, I still volunteer 6+ hours a week with the high school’s Mock Trial team.

There are family issues that I would rather not share on here.  And believe me, no one knows the extent of those.  I might share what’s going on with Amber when I see her early next month, but that’s something you sit down and talk about face to face.  It’s really that bad…I believe many of you would be shocked to know what my family and I deal with daily.  It’s not a walk in the park.  I’d take my crappy, emotionally neglectful marriage over this, if that tells you anything at all.  I’ve been going to counseling.  Seems like we get in this rhythm, this routine for a bit, and then I’m gone for a week, or in this case, two.  She’s an amazing counselor.  She calls me on my bs, without pushing too hard.  She doesn’t poke the raw, tender areas, but we’ve started to touch on them.  We’ve gotten past the honeymoon stage, finally.  While this will help me in the long run, it’s still extremely stressful and has heightened my emotions considerably.

On top of this, I’m still doing CrossFit 3x a week.  I’ve recently started running.  I’m trying for 5x a week, but it hasn’t quite got there yet.  It will. I’ll make it.  Breathing is still an issue, but at least I can breathe for the most part at the end.  I’ve been trying to cut my fat, which has been trying as well.  Oh, and drinking a gallon of water daily. I think I’ve gotten to that point maybe 3 days in the last week and a half.

That’s not even the tip of the iceberg, truly. I don’t even have the time to keep up with my friends, and I feel terrible for neglecting them even though they understand.  Thankfully I’m getting together with B and my baby niece Lulu tomorrow for lunch, which will be nice to just unwind. This weekend, L and I are going to the firing range for a bit and then sushi.  Again, another good time to just forget and laugh and not think.  I think too much these days.

So, there you go. My life, in a nutshell.  I’m still happy, but it’s mellowed out some in light of everything I’m going through.  I hope it’s a bit more obvious why Twitter was just too much on top of everything else.  When I dread doing something that once used to be fun, that’s a warning sign.  Something has to change, and it will, with time.  I hope all of you are doing well, and I miss you much.

Til next time.

When Nothing but Crossfit Will Do

30 Jan

This weekend was a bit stressful.  There was the whole deal with my parents at church are the scene my dad caused when I refused to take the communion bread because it was made with whole wheat and for those of you coming in late, I’m gluten intolerant. I’m not so bad that I’ll have an allergic reaction immediately, or can’t touch it (although I probably shouldn’t just to be safe) or that some minute trace amounts are going to kill me, but even a little bit is like poison to me so I’m not going to ingest it whether it’s representative of Christ’s body or not.   Sorry, I think God will understand and if not, that’s between him and me, not anyone else.  Needless to say, I took some of it to stop him from the scene he was making, shoved it in my pocket while we were praying, pretended to eat it and then threw it away later.  Then there was the freak out I gave myself last night and let’s just say, it’s continued in a very upwards exponential trend this morning as well.  I’m leaving it at that.

Needless to say, days like today are why I look forward to Crossfit.  Thankfully I have a class tonight, otherwise I’d go pound some asphalt until I didn’t give a damn anymore.  Crossfit is my ‘me’ time.  It’s where everything comes out- my frustrations, my neurosis, my stress, my anger, everything that I need to let go of- gets transferred into the energy that drives me through that work out.  Crossfit is my religion, my opiate.  It doesn’t lie to me, it doesn’t give me false hope.  It doesn’t tell me I’m the best or the worst, it tells me strictly what I am and what I’m capable of achieving and nothing more or less.  It simultaneously kicks my ass while silently priding me on a newly set PR.  It’s my personal psychotherapy between me, the pavement, weights and the pullup bars. Or the mats, or the rope.  It never judges me. It never ridicules me or makes me feel less than.  It never abandons or neglects me or shames me, although I do plenty of self-shaming when I don’t put in enough effort.  It’s my best friend when I’m my own worst enemy.

I know that on days like today, when my mind is a mess and nearly fried from the anxiety and concern and just humanness of my situation, when I feel like I have a huge weight on me for many reasons, that I will show up to class, I will put everything I have into that hour and I will push myself beyond my reasonable limits and come out too exhausted to do any worrying or stressing.  It’s amazing how much becomes so clear when you don’t have anxiety and stress clouding your thoughts.

Someone hand me a kettlebell already.  I have some shit I need to work out.

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Happiness

28 Jan

I’m sure many of you will find that this is a much different post than usual.

That’s fine, because it is.

I’m not sure how obvious it is because I don’t see how others perceive me, but I know it’s obvious to me that I’ve changed.  I hit a very, very low point about a month ago where I almost lost it.  I may have thought I’d hit lows before, but that was literally the lowest I’d ever been.  Even dealing with PTSD, a failed marriage, tons of schoolwork and working full time, I never hit that low.  It was a serious wake up call that I desperately needed.  I’m so glad that I had people around me to help me and be there for me, because I could feel myself being sucked back in to that bad place.

A month later and I’ve bounced back and then some.  I still have my demons to work through and fight, but I am really, really truly happy. Life isn’t perfect.  Things still go wrong, I still have my ex to deal with (for now), I still have the divorce hanging over my head.  I’m without a job again and no real prospects at this moment.  But despite all that, my life is wonderful. I’m happy even including all of the above because I know it won’t last forever.  I will eventually get into my career field of choice.  I’ll eventually move out of this God-forsaken black hole of a town.  It’s all relative and I choose to be happy instead of miserable.  I know that it’s not always that easy, but in this case it is and I’ll take it and run with it for as long as I can.  I finally feel complete, whole, like I know me really and truly.  I’ve been on a hell of a ride for the past 4 years and it has literally taken me just that – 4 long, trying, grueling years – to get to this place.  I don’t hate anyone.  I don’t have any grudges, regrets or anything holding me back.  I don’t blame anyone because I’m where I need to be.  I hope my ex is happy.  I hope the man that raped me finds peace.  But I also know that karma is a much bigger bitch than I ever could hope to be, and she comes back with a vengeance and interest due.  Maybe if I’m lucky enough, I’ll be around to see it happen but either way, it’s not my issue to worry about.  I don’t need the negativity of worrying about others to bring me down as well.

What makes this even better is that I know I’ve gotten here on my own.  My then husband, who was supposed to be the love of my life and my best friend, abandoned me when I needed him most.  Some of my closest friends left me too.  So all of this is my work, my success, and it continues to be.  I had to learn the hard way that I’m the only person who will never leave me and that I’m strong enough to tear myself apart and rebuild until it’s right.  Now that I’ve learned to accept and love myself, it’s much easier to accept and love others as well and receive love too without questioning it.  It is so much easier to give of myself to help others as well, without feeling drained.  Instead, it renews me and makes me feel needed and useful and re-energized.

And that is the best feeling I’ve had in a long, long time.

 

P.S. I know a lot of you started following when I was down and bitchy and sarcastic and what not.  I’m still sarcastic and bitchy at times, but it’s hard to be as much as I was when I’m feeling so happy and so much better than I have in years.  I hope you all understand, and if not, thank you for following as long as you did.

Better Sooner Than Later

25 Jan

A few of you know that I recently took a trip down to Southern California.  It was amazing, and perhaps I’ll post about it soon, but that is not this post.

No, this post is going to be focused on my Crossfit experience (or lack there of).

As soon as I knew I was going, I started looking up Crossfit gyms to visit near where I’d be staying.  I contacted a few, but one really seemed to fit. I was excited- this was my first time at another Crossfit! I’d be on my own, in a new environment with brand new workout partners and trainers.  I was almost as excited about this as I was about my real reason for going to Southern CA.

Unfortunately, my hopes were dashed — along with my quadriceps muscles.  Truth is, I should have said I couldn’t complete the workout and stopped. I know myself better than any trainer.  I know my muscles intimately, I know what they’re capable of.  I know their strengths, their weaknesses and every point in between.  I know that because of my weakened rhomboid muscle I’m push-pressing 15lbs instead of 17.5 right now. I know that my running is limited to my body weight alone- nothing added because my foot is still recovering.  I know that I’ve only been able to do unassisted lunges for less than a month now, and that overhead plate lunges are out of the question for the moment until I’ve outgrown straight lunges.  My trainer at my gym can tell you that too, because she’s worked closely with me for the last 4 months. That’s half of my Crossfit training time there, so I’d hope she knows.  She cares too, because my success is reflective of her just as much as it is reflective of my own drive and determination.  Not everyone sees it this way, and in the world of the ever-fast-increasing Crossfits, there seems to be less quality.  Not every Crossfit gym is equal.

The gym I visited was not a good gym.  The trainers seem to be focused solely on benchmark workouts- Fran, Murph, etc.- and less on the PRs of their clients. There was no ‘Hey! how are you doing? How’s your (insert workout here)?’  In fact, there was little talk at all. No laughing, no smiling, no joking.  That immediately set me on edge, but I figured it was a different gym, maybe they were more serious.  It wasn’t a killer for me.

Then came the work out- 100m of lunges, 800m run, 100 air squats for time.  Lunges…fine (although my knees bore the evidence of lunging on asphalt and still hurt. Ouch!). Run…fine. Air squats I wasn’t so sure about. I’d never done 100 of anything in a row.  I’d done sets of 10 and broken them up with other exercises, but never all at once. I might have been doing Crossfit for 8 months, but I knew this would probably be more of a challenge than even I could handle.  I was right, although I gave my best effort.  I paid dearly for it though when for the next 5 days I would cringe when standing, sitting, moving, etc.  I would take a step and feel all four muscles in the quadriceps individually give out, in both legs.  My trainer joked about having the group I’m normally in doing the workout and I begged her not to.  Even she and the other trainer/owner of the gym I go to here agreed I should not have done that work out, that the trainer should have stopped it when he saw me get to a point where it was obvious I was seriously struggling, instead of pushing me like he did.

So, lesson learned.  Next time, if there is one, I will speak up if I know I’m past my point of doing.  Better now than later on down the road.  Just one more thing to look for in a gym as well, so I’m better prepared next time.

And, on an even kind of crappier note, I believe I have asthma again.  I’d had pretty moderate-severe exercise induced asthma as a child that I seemed to have outgrown.  I’ve had a pretty persistent congested-type cough post-workout for about a month or so, but without actual congestion, and several other symptoms that made me relate it to asthma, but never pieced it together.  After killer workout, I had the usual coughing and at one point was proceeded by a huge wheeze.  Of course, the wheeze had to show up and let me know that this annoying little disease is apparently back and probably to stay for me.  Let me just add that to the laundry list of ailments.

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