They’re not my secrets, really. I suppose they are, but most don’t have to do with me. They’ve affected me at some point, but they’re not entirely mine. Maybe that’s what makes them so much more painful? The fact that by sharing them, I sound petty. Sometimes, though, the frustration, the feeling of carrying it around makes me just want to go off. It wouldn’t even matter that the people that need to hear it wouldn’t believe me, all that would matter is that it would be out there.
Like that ‘son’ of yours you love so much, the one that was best friends with your daughter? Told his wife that he wished she was your daughter and he would have married your daughter and had thought of asking her except he didn’t think he had a snowball’s chance in hell. Told her he was in love with another girl he could never have, that was marrying someone else and that’s now pregnant with their kid. Wonder how screwed up that’s making him.
Or the people that I keep my mouth shut around because I love them and don’t want to hurt them. But God, it’s so hard sometimes.
There’s the one that laughed when I said I was going to move back and apply to LAPD. I did. I got halfway through the process and found another position I’d be able to start with faster and took that instead. I gave it a damn good try though, and I’ll be damned if I don’t do the same for this department. Maybe I’ll have the chance to talk about how I made SWAT or the negotiations team someday.
Or how about all the apologies I spilled out, admitting my fault in my divorce, and nothing back. Even now, when I know that my weight issue wasn’t entirely in my control, it makes his comments about my weight and his intolerance for it and inability to see it as anything other than ‘letting myself go’ hurt that much more. I don’t do well with things I can’t control, and finding out that my weight gain and difficulty in losing isn’t exactly my fault or anything I have control over (exercise, diet, lifestyle, etc) makes it hard to swallow. And then to think about how he made those comments about something I had no control over, used it as an excuse to leave (and I know it was an excuse and not the true reason but damn if it doesn’t hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. Well, almost.). All I want to do is get to where I know I’m going to, where I’m visibly in shape, muscular and strong, and then run into him. Or hell, have him show up to a crossfit event and bump into him. It’s not like the county is a large place, it’ll happen sooner or later. I’m praying the reason it hasn’t yet is because when it will…well, it’ll be nothing short of amazing. You can’t out diet or out exercise a shitty personality and treatment of others. Sooner or later, karma always, always catches up. Karma, God, kismet, fate, whatever you want to call it…you can’t go around being a shitty person and get away with it for long. However, I’ll just be smaller and stronger and healthier and still awesome…with that dash of crazy (which really is just normal crazy, for the most part).
Maybe my biggest issue with keeping these secrets is that I so badly want to do things these people specifically said I’d never do for whatever reason, just because I can. Just to show that I could. That I will be a good law enforcement officer. That I will be fit and healthy and amazing. That I’m capable of finding someone to love me for who I really am and what I’ve done and let my walls come down. Maybe, one day, even if it’s not today, or tomorrow, or someday soon. But I will try my hardest to make it happen.